Dear Diary,
So it's time for another heartfelt blog entry. I'm just gonna type whatever that comes to mind even if it makes no sense because yeah la... it's a heartfelt blog entry.
So lately, alot has been happening at home. Believe me, if I could pour my heart out to all of you guys here , I would, but I guess I've always been a private person like that. Like, I hate sharing my problems and such because I always feel it'll just burden someone else and so I tend to bottle things up. I'm pretty sure there are tons of people out there who are just like me. Oh well.... definitely not healthy but what can I do? It's just me. Maybe it just has to do with trust issues too. Like, have you guys ever felt like you had noone that you could trust? Noone but yourself? I don't know why but I feel this way all the time. Probably because I've been hurt, betrayed and backstabbed in my life. Sometimes I feel like when I do pour my heart out to someone, they're just happy that I'm having problems. Is it me or am I just thinking too much? Like do you guys ever feel this way? Like as you're pouring your heart out to someone, you somewhat sense that the person you're pouring your heart out to is just smiling on the inside?
That aside, the past week or so has been a huge emotional roller coaster ride for me. I'd like to say that it all bores down to mother-daughter issues. I just wish she'd stop to think about how I feel instead of just assuming that she knows what's best for me. I love her alot. She's my mum. I know that. She brought me up, cared or me, loved me, taught me and whatnot. But it just really makes me so sad to know that despite all that, even after close to 21 years, she still does not treat me like an adult. I know I'm not 21 yet but don't I have the right to make my own decisions being 20 years old? We live, we make mistakes and we learn. Isn't that all part and parcel of life? I just really don't get it. I may not make the best decisions but at least I'll go through life knowing that they were my decisions and my mistakes. Tell me, if you guys were in my shoes, won't you feel upset too? :( Sigh.... but I feel that it's hopeless. She's just driving me away.... and she knows it.. but she'll not stop till she gets her way.. and that's what I honestly hate the most about her...
So what if I listen to what she wants? Will it make her happy for her to know that behind closed doors, I'm crying my heart out? Does she even bother to ask me how I feel about it? Maybe if she was rationale, I might listen. But she's unreasonable.....Shouldn't she be happy that I'm happy? Don't all mothers want the best for their children? If the best for their children means seeing them cry... then that's just seriously messed up. Give me the chance to make my own mistakes and decisions. :( You're my mum, but you're not always right.
Okay lah... don't want to go into further details... shall talk about happier things now.
So other than all the drama that has been going on, I guess my life's been pretty good. Been going out quite abit recently. Starbucks sessions with Sondra... karaoke session with Amanda and Zara.. sheesha session with Kalebh,Chanda and etc, shopping with Namira,Nadiah and so on. Bowling,movies ,Zoo with Falila, Shaheena, Akhbar,Karthik etc.... BATAM recently with Junping and gang. And yeah la, the list goes on.
So thankful that I've these people in my life. And I'm thankful to have made new friends. :)
So life after graduation is really just me bumming around at home and going out with friends and such. I just feel so happy that for once in my life, I don't have to worry about waking up early for school, about assignments, projects, EXAMS. I just feel so.... relieved and stress-free. At least I am for now. .
In terms of university, I'm still kinda uncertain as to where I want to study at. I'd like to say my parents are fickle. Hahaha. At times they'd be totally supportive in me going to Australia to study and at times they'd be like "No no, you study in Singapore better!". So yeah... I'm so tired of getting my hopes up... only to have them dashed later on. So you know what? I'll just let them decide. :P I'm sure you guys must think I'm the fickle one. But believe me, it's not me. If I had the choice to study in Perth or Singapore. I'd definitely choose Perth! Who wouldn't? I'd love to experience the 4 seasons for once in my life.
So anywhooo... here are some pictures from my Instagram! You've yet to follow me! Please follow me @sofiadendroff and Twitter at @sofiadendroff
Starbucks with my gorgeous bestie Sondra! :) Love our heart to heart sessions over coffee! besties forever <3
Me and Akhbar!
Lately been having massive sashimi cravings and I don't know why!!! Gahhhh.... nomnomnom.
My kitty striking a supermodel pose!
uh yeah..camwhore shot.
Managed to find some time this week to finally get down to reading my book over a nice cuppa coffee at Starbucks! :) Love sessions like these. Furthermore, it was spent with my bestie Sondra. :)
Uh yeah another camwhore shot. Hahah.
Clubbed sometime last month with Namira and friends! :))
Such a fun night! :)
My sister from another mother! Love this girl to death :D Always have so much fun when we're out together. ^^
I guess despite all the hardships I may have faced in life, I'm still grateful that I still have my friends with me. The friends who've stuck by me and never left... thank you so much. You'll never truly know how much you guys really mean to me. Yes, I may be busy... but you guys always understand that and despite my hectic schedule at times, we still make time for each other. I love you guys. :')
And before I end off this blog post, I just want to share this awesome song with you guys! Such an emotional song but I think most girls will be able to relate to it because I'm sure that all of us have suffered heart break at least once in our lives. If you haven't, it's alright, just listen to it because it's still an amazing song. xx
Till the next blog entry. Goodbye Diary. :)
Lots of Love,
Sofia Dendroff
hey there,
ReplyDeletegald to know you've been up and about. Sorry to hear about you and ur mom. Chins up babe.
Don't worry about ur mum.. When I was your age, I went through almost similar situation. And the people around me keep saying its for my own. What my mum decide for me is for my own good. Of course I got very annoyed. Very Very Annoyed, very upset and often, I threw ugly fits after fits because I thought nobody understood what I'm feeling. My mother doesn't care about how i feel and I ended up shedding bucketful of tears out of my bottled up emotion, losing all those I want to experience and those I don't want to miss out on. And I just cant see or even speak to my mother for days.
But at this age, I came to realize what my mom says has some truth. And in a strange way, her stopping me from all those events/outings/holidays/trips I really wanted to attend, in a way, safeguard me from all sorts of unnecessary incidents or experience that will change my mindset. In some kind of twist, it elevate me to how to view/approach a certain subject as it gives me a different perspective.
Perhaps the laws of the universe acknowledges the power a mother has over her young ones. It may sound bombastic, but a mother's natural instincts has an effect that will somehow alerts her of her young's safety despite them being far from her.
I compensated my loss when i started working full-time after finishing school. As i began to earn my keeps totally and started contributing to the household economy, my mom started to back off. I initially thought that $$ makes a difference but I was surprised when I learnt she wasn't so strict anymore because she trust I can make my decisions when I showed her I was being responsible of my actions (which I thought all along I was) and that working as an adult and making sound decision actually swings her opinion. She shrugs it off and say she knew that day will come.
How the event in your future will turn out may probably be different than mine, and although I wish you all the success, I hope the similar experience I went through at your age now can somehow be useful.
My mother also learnt new experience along the way bringing me up. And at this age I can empathize with her, because after all the experiences we both went through together, I knew she did her very best for what she thinks is the best for me and many a times, she puts me and my siblings ahead of herself. Because I also learnt while I was kicking and screaming not getting what I think she deprived me of, I had no idea her heart was actually breaking seeing me so upset (she quietly hates herself for making me upset) but as a mother she had to be the stronger person between us both. Mothers also know at a certain age, they no longer have a total control of their offspring's decision but while they are at it, they make the most out of it.
And lastly, all I can say is that this happens because you mean a lot to her. a whole lot. I hope things will get better between you both, hope the anger will simmer down and you both have time to get over this period where you're mad at each other; when 2 parties are fuming, words exchanged can be lethal.
good luck honey, all the best to you and your future
xoxo
P/s: if this helps, small simple gestures is enough to make a mum's heart melt ;D
You should know there's no such thing as freedom. Freedom is not free. Stop being unreasonable. I don't know you on a personal level but you're definitely overstepping your boundaries.
ReplyDeleteOn that note if you want to be treated as an adult, you should NOT have posted this entry especially when your blog has a HUGE audience. Congrats, you just made your mum look like a monster, and a horrible one at that. The way you described your mum is appalling. Just goes to show the way you think is very immature.
I guess you're happy that now everyone thinks your mother is a bad mother and doesn't know how to raise her children. This is just plain sad. You should know that you're lucky your mum allowed you to go to Perth, Germany, Batam etc. Some of us have it worst. They have to be home by 7 or even have to go straight home after school.
I don't know if you mum reads your blog, assuming she does, she must be extremely hurt and disappointed. Being happy is one thing but doing the right thing is ANOTHER matter. Haven't you heard of the quote? "Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind?" Your mum wants the best for you. If you think she's not being fair, talk to her Nicely. If that doesn't work, write a long letter and ask her to read.
Since you're bumming around, why not take up religious classes and perhaps be more appreciative and respectful of your mum while she's still alive.
Lastly I hope you're cognizant of the consequences talking about your mum on a public platform. You just tarnished your mum's reputation. I'm certainly not a saint but family problems should not be posted on a public platform especially when it concerns your parents!
@Purplerose- Thank you so much babe. You have no idea how much you actually helped understand my mum a little better. Thank you for taking time off your life to write in. :) really appreciate it.
ReplyDelete@Hamba Allah - I'm not trying to make my mum out to be a monster. In fact, if you read it again, I did not say anything really hurtful about her. I just said I wished she'd let me make my own decision. Like I said, it was a heartful post, but definitely not a hurtful one.
Sorry if I came across harsh. My apologies. I've read countless of posts how teens like you just rant about their parents on a public platform without realizing that it can cause serious damage to their mums' feelings. And not to mention, people will have skewed perspective of their mums.
ReplyDeleteNobody's perfect. We all have faults. The best way is to have a heartfelt conversation. Maybe just between the both of you and nobody else. I know it's your blog, but personal problems such as yours should not be posted publicly. Deal with it privately. Alternatively if talking is not an option, you can always write on your diary or consult someone you trust.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that your blog has quite a reputation. Writing stuff like this may cause unnecessary problems. Especially if your mum has relatives or friends that are jealous of her (not saying your mum has) and in the end they'll use this to put her down. This seems very far-fetched but stuff like this happens without us realizing.
And as for last sentence, I'm not sure about that. You may think it's heartfelt post but to your mum it's hurtful.
If you have the time, I strongly recommend you to read this short entry:
http://muslimmatters.org/2012/06/15/umm-zakiyah-are-you-a-sign-of-the-last-day/
Highly engaging and it talks about mother-daughter relationship. I hope you'll spare 10 mins of time to read this. I'm sure this will benefit you in one way or another. In fact, I believe it will alleviate some of the problems you're having with your mum.
Sorry for the grandma post. I honestly hope both your mum and you will work things out for the better, InsyaAllah.
P/S: You don't need to feel oblige to publish my comment.
@Hamba Allah - Will do. Thanks anyway :) It was harsh but yeah, you do have a point.
ReplyDelete